XX

By Max Sanborn ‘22

On game night someone says “I normally wouldn’t say this, but hey, we’re all guys here right?”

….

I feel three pairs of examining eyes pierce my flesh

I know what they want from me by now, I know what’s expected

I’ve been training for this moment for years

Hours of practice deepening my voice

Subway rides taken just to see how far I could spread my legs before the glares became too much

My gait perfected to be long and confident

Shoulders back, head up

I deserve to be here

I’ve worked hard to be here

You’ve only got one shot, kid, don’t fuck it up

So I laugh along and play their game

This is what it is to be a man, right?

We take what we want, when we want it

We relish in our power because we deserve it

And we never talk about the monsters under our beds

We make misogynistic jokes because we don’t really mean it

Come on, man up, dude, it’s just a joke

Man up

Man up

Man up

….

I signed up for this

This is what I wanted

This is what I want

But I can’t help it some days when I’m stunned to see myself in the mirror

Some days I’m terrified I’ve become the monster I was told to fear

I wonder if that’s why my mother always talks about grieving

She lost her little girl

And found a little monster in her place

A little boy, with a temper like his father and a burning in his heart

And masculinity that fits like a baggy sweatshirt he’ll probably never fully grow into